faceless

'Spin me round again and rub my eyes, this cant be happening. ---
When busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy.
Hide and Seek... Dreams are soaking my sheets.'

A breeze on my cheek.
The faint smell for one instant of something from my childhood.. a memory.. fading.
I still remember my doll with blue hair in her gold dress. How long will that memory stick around now?
Will my childhood memories be replaced with the ones of my childs?
strange thought..

I want to make things.. craft things. Make a home for things. and creatures.
pet rocks.
I want to write evenly. To have it ~flow~ just once.

I will never know abandonment again.. or the heartbreak of trusting your heart to someone and having them treat it like toast crumbs. pudding skin.. the sugary part of tea at the very bottom of the cup..
this pleases me.

Nonsense. Brilliance. Science. Beauty. Strength.. powerful words, taken to lightly.
nothing is flowing today.
everything is growing though! because it is springtime now! the dew drops are turned warm and the birds are trimming the buds on the dogwood outside our window, awaiting them to blossom. {{{ i think the birds like the blossoms for their beauty as much as i do}}}
Birds have far less time to live life, so they must absorb everything much faster.
this makes me pleased.

**Wish me well.**

small blessings in discreet shapes

Recently life has been such a myriad of things.. wedding, moving, baby, friends coming in and out of my life, changing not only church congregations but denominations as well.. and some times there are these little things that come up that remind me that a) i am in fact on the right path, or b)that its all worth it.

I know that I wrote earlier, before Benjamin and I got back together, about how he was dating another girl, and while I wanted to be fully respectful of that it was hurting me immensely. I didnt want to be the source of pain and confrontation and all that drama drama that we girls find ourselves in faaaar too often. well.. for the past week and a half, that girl he was dating has been emailing me. she has confessed feelings of jealousy and hurt and all those little things i can relate to being a female and a Christian and a human being in general..
We have found ourselves being extremely honest to one another about how we are feeling about life and situations and all that and I am finding myself very drawn to her in a sisterly sort of way. which in all honesty is the whole point of my faith.

the point of me having a relationsip with Jesus means that I have to have relationships with others whether its awkward, difficult, smelly or strained. and not just aquaintence like relationships, but one where i love that person without condition because they, like me, are loved by Jesus.
In a book im currently reading to prepare me for marriage, the author states at one point that when Jesus attached loving others with loving God he really 'let us have it' Its easy to love God because God doesnt smell, steal, mock or anything else uncomfortable or different to ourselves. but others.. even the homless man who begs for change and then cusses wildly at you when you shrug apologetically at him.. thats the challenge.
This girl.. shes a challenge for me. I have insecurities just like everybody, though mine remain dormant and just under the surface most of the time. I battle with thoughts that she may have been better for Ben than I am.. shes more travelled (as is he) shes more academically intelligent.. (as is he majorly!) she likes to camp outdoors in the freezing cold and get wet... and I am much more of a home-body and like to stay dry and keep up with the news of my friends or the next top models rather than wall street..
This being said by all my instincts that nature installed in me begs me to detest this girl. but as a Christian I am called to love her. whew. thats a heavy hand to be dealt in the reality of things.
By the same token, she should by all means hate me. and want to push all thoughts of me and ben out of her mind and either become bitter about it all or engross herself in other things.. but she chooses to email me her insecurities and thoughts and hurts and grow in her faith by reaching out in love to someone she barely knows who is now engaged to her ex boyfriend. I tip my hat to her.

I have learned in the past 5 months who my real friends are. It has been a very hard reality that kindove crashed into my world and I wasnt prepared for at all.
I found out I was pregnant... (ok this is really one of those things in life that changes EVERYTHING, especially if you are single) and I had some of my BEST friends, who i have trusted and loved since childhood completely disappear from my life.. as much as i reached out and would admit to needing some creature comforts and some friendly compassion around, it fell on seemingly deaf ears. then I have some friends who I have kept in touch with over the years and always meant to form stronger attachments to but never got around to it.. and a few of them were suddenly such a huge part of my life everyday it shocked me! from emails to phone calls and coffee dates and little texts with a happy tone to make me feel like i wasnt alone on that day. They have made me so much more relaxed and happy through this process. These people are so self giving and love filled it has taught me a lesson i honestly didnt think I would learn in this time.
Whether you believe to love others for your own reasons or for a 'higher purpose' reaching out to someone when they are going through something extremely radical is never something that should be belittled or shrugged off. It is am amazing way to follow Jesus and his teachings and to show the world that someone passing on a hug can make a difference.

I am so blessed.