Thursday, March 26, 2009
Intermission
I have a post brewing in my heart, but its a doozey... and I think I will need to ponder a bit more on it.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
daily observations
Things I have observed today:
A tiny white fluffy puppy with a hardcore steel muzzle on...
A kind act on 2 separate occasions by a stranger to a stranger.
A criminal running from the 'fuzz' and narrowly escaping onto the skytrain.. and then sitting down beside me..
That I can no longer see my toes when i look straight down.
That deciding between red and black gumboots is harder than it should be.
That I believe I have the ugliest feet and fat ankles. or 'cankles'
That not everyone has my sense of humour.
That when you are at a bus stop, and you see A) an old person or B) someone with an iphone, chances are the bus should soon arrive.
That my emotions are playing tricks on me
That no matter how many times I hallucinate about a little black ginuea pig running across the floor or ceiling, its not actually ever there.
That the smell of doggie poo is strongest when it rains.
A tiny white fluffy puppy with a hardcore steel muzzle on...
A kind act on 2 separate occasions by a stranger to a stranger.
A criminal running from the 'fuzz' and narrowly escaping onto the skytrain.. and then sitting down beside me..
That I can no longer see my toes when i look straight down.
That deciding between red and black gumboots is harder than it should be.
That I believe I have the ugliest feet and fat ankles. or 'cankles'
That not everyone has my sense of humour.
That when you are at a bus stop, and you see A) an old person or B) someone with an iphone, chances are the bus should soon arrive.
That my emotions are playing tricks on me
That no matter how many times I hallucinate about a little black ginuea pig running across the floor or ceiling, its not actually ever there.
That the smell of doggie poo is strongest when it rains.
Monday, March 9, 2009
small blessings in discreet shapes
Recently life has been such a myriad of things.. wedding, moving, baby, friends coming in and out of my life, changing not only church congregations but denominations as well.. and some times there are these little things that come up that remind me that a) i am in fact on the right path, or b)that its all worth it.
I know that I wrote earlier, before Benjamin and I got back together, about how he was dating another girl, and while I wanted to be fully respectful of that it was hurting me immensely. I didnt want to be the source of pain and confrontation and all that drama drama that we girls find ourselves in faaaar too often. well.. for the past week and a half, that girl he was dating has been emailing me. she has confessed feelings of jealousy and hurt and all those little things i can relate to being a female and a Christian and a human being in general..
We have found ourselves being extremely honest to one another about how we are feeling about life and situations and all that and I am finding myself very drawn to her in a sisterly sort of way. which in all honesty is the whole point of my faith.
the point of me having a relationsip with Jesus means that I have to have relationships with others whether its awkward, difficult, smelly or strained. and not just aquaintence like relationships, but one where i love that person without condition because they, like me, are loved by Jesus.
In a book im currently reading to prepare me for marriage, the author states at one point that when Jesus attached loving others with loving God he really 'let us have it' Its easy to love God because God doesnt smell, steal, mock or anything else uncomfortable or different to ourselves. but others.. even the homless man who begs for change and then cusses wildly at you when you shrug apologetically at him.. thats the challenge.
This girl.. shes a challenge for me. I have insecurities just like everybody, though mine remain dormant and just under the surface most of the time. I battle with thoughts that she may have been better for Ben than I am.. shes more travelled (as is he) shes more academically intelligent.. (as is he majorly!) she likes to camp outdoors in the freezing cold and get wet... and I am much more of a home-body and like to stay dry and keep up with the news of my friends or the next top models rather than wall street..
This being said by all my instincts that nature installed in me begs me to detest this girl. but as a Christian I am called to love her. whew. thats a heavy hand to be dealt in the reality of things.
By the same token, she should by all means hate me. and want to push all thoughts of me and ben out of her mind and either become bitter about it all or engross herself in other things.. but she chooses to email me her insecurities and thoughts and hurts and grow in her faith by reaching out in love to someone she barely knows who is now engaged to her ex boyfriend. I tip my hat to her.
I have learned in the past 5 months who my real friends are. It has been a very hard reality that kindove crashed into my world and I wasnt prepared for at all.
I found out I was pregnant... (ok this is really one of those things in life that changes EVERYTHING, especially if you are single) and I had some of my BEST friends, who i have trusted and loved since childhood completely disappear from my life.. as much as i reached out and would admit to needing some creature comforts and some friendly compassion around, it fell on seemingly deaf ears. then I have some friends who I have kept in touch with over the years and always meant to form stronger attachments to but never got around to it.. and a few of them were suddenly such a huge part of my life everyday it shocked me! from emails to phone calls and coffee dates and little texts with a happy tone to make me feel like i wasnt alone on that day. They have made me so much more relaxed and happy through this process. These people are so self giving and love filled it has taught me a lesson i honestly didnt think I would learn in this time.
Whether you believe to love others for your own reasons or for a 'higher purpose' reaching out to someone when they are going through something extremely radical is never something that should be belittled or shrugged off. It is am amazing way to follow Jesus and his teachings and to show the world that someone passing on a hug can make a difference.
I am so blessed.
I know that I wrote earlier, before Benjamin and I got back together, about how he was dating another girl, and while I wanted to be fully respectful of that it was hurting me immensely. I didnt want to be the source of pain and confrontation and all that drama drama that we girls find ourselves in faaaar too often. well.. for the past week and a half, that girl he was dating has been emailing me. she has confessed feelings of jealousy and hurt and all those little things i can relate to being a female and a Christian and a human being in general..
We have found ourselves being extremely honest to one another about how we are feeling about life and situations and all that and I am finding myself very drawn to her in a sisterly sort of way. which in all honesty is the whole point of my faith.
the point of me having a relationsip with Jesus means that I have to have relationships with others whether its awkward, difficult, smelly or strained. and not just aquaintence like relationships, but one where i love that person without condition because they, like me, are loved by Jesus.
In a book im currently reading to prepare me for marriage, the author states at one point that when Jesus attached loving others with loving God he really 'let us have it' Its easy to love God because God doesnt smell, steal, mock or anything else uncomfortable or different to ourselves. but others.. even the homless man who begs for change and then cusses wildly at you when you shrug apologetically at him.. thats the challenge.
This girl.. shes a challenge for me. I have insecurities just like everybody, though mine remain dormant and just under the surface most of the time. I battle with thoughts that she may have been better for Ben than I am.. shes more travelled (as is he) shes more academically intelligent.. (as is he majorly!) she likes to camp outdoors in the freezing cold and get wet... and I am much more of a home-body and like to stay dry and keep up with the news of my friends or the next top models rather than wall street..
This being said by all my instincts that nature installed in me begs me to detest this girl. but as a Christian I am called to love her. whew. thats a heavy hand to be dealt in the reality of things.
By the same token, she should by all means hate me. and want to push all thoughts of me and ben out of her mind and either become bitter about it all or engross herself in other things.. but she chooses to email me her insecurities and thoughts and hurts and grow in her faith by reaching out in love to someone she barely knows who is now engaged to her ex boyfriend. I tip my hat to her.
I have learned in the past 5 months who my real friends are. It has been a very hard reality that kindove crashed into my world and I wasnt prepared for at all.
I found out I was pregnant... (ok this is really one of those things in life that changes EVERYTHING, especially if you are single) and I had some of my BEST friends, who i have trusted and loved since childhood completely disappear from my life.. as much as i reached out and would admit to needing some creature comforts and some friendly compassion around, it fell on seemingly deaf ears. then I have some friends who I have kept in touch with over the years and always meant to form stronger attachments to but never got around to it.. and a few of them were suddenly such a huge part of my life everyday it shocked me! from emails to phone calls and coffee dates and little texts with a happy tone to make me feel like i wasnt alone on that day. They have made me so much more relaxed and happy through this process. These people are so self giving and love filled it has taught me a lesson i honestly didnt think I would learn in this time.
Whether you believe to love others for your own reasons or for a 'higher purpose' reaching out to someone when they are going through something extremely radical is never something that should be belittled or shrugged off. It is am amazing way to follow Jesus and his teachings and to show the world that someone passing on a hug can make a difference.
I am so blessed.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Whew
I am now 8 months pregnant. It feels like it has been a year.
I had a bit of a meltdown the other night about wanting to be 'thin' (meaning just a single unit really...) and not be a big fat pregnant bride. I struggle with feeling like no man deserves to have a woman whose ankles are twice their normal size and who cant control the urge to pee on their wedding night.
I confessed these insecurities to Ben, and he understood and is very accepting of it all. Every now and then he will grab my tummy or back fat... and I'm sure hes thinking that he misses my sexy 20 year old body he once knew. But he definitely makes me feel like the sexiest girl on earth.. even if my mind gets to be too much for my emotions.
I feel at home in Kits finally!
This week is going to be very full of adventure! and next weekend I get to spend at Camp cleaning!!! woooot ;)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Unpacked boxes
Well here I am! In my new city, with my new loved one.. and an ever expanding waistline.
I'm sitting in starbucks and they have been playing oldies the whole time I have been here. It's very relaxing.
Combining all of our stuff has been interesting for sure.. I have never lived with a boy (other than as a roomie, but not a bf) and I have taken on the role of house frou rather easily. I love being here.. I do miss home at times. But I think its going to be easier from here and not harder.
We need bookcases.. badly! so many books, soooo many movies.. and neither of us like to part with things. especially books and movies hahaha :)
Theres a little flower box on our balcony, and right now its full of pansys (that i weeded yesterday for they were suffocating) Im excited for the spring weather so I can put some other flowers in it as well and have an aray of colour and glee in a little box! and hopefully some tomato plants too! I think my balcony will be good for tomatos and herbs.. lots of sun!
As the days go on I get more excited about the idea of having a little one tag along with me.. It will be such an adventure in every day.
I'm sitting in starbucks and they have been playing oldies the whole time I have been here. It's very relaxing.
Combining all of our stuff has been interesting for sure.. I have never lived with a boy (other than as a roomie, but not a bf) and I have taken on the role of house frou rather easily. I love being here.. I do miss home at times. But I think its going to be easier from here and not harder.
We need bookcases.. badly! so many books, soooo many movies.. and neither of us like to part with things. especially books and movies hahaha :)
Theres a little flower box on our balcony, and right now its full of pansys (that i weeded yesterday for they were suffocating) Im excited for the spring weather so I can put some other flowers in it as well and have an aray of colour and glee in a little box! and hopefully some tomato plants too! I think my balcony will be good for tomatos and herbs.. lots of sun!
As the days go on I get more excited about the idea of having a little one tag along with me.. It will be such an adventure in every day.
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