I am in awe of how much I love my family sometimes.
i have always thought of myself as an island. Able to stand alone and let the waves from others wash over me without much damage or care.
Over the past [almost] 2 years, I have come to realize that I am dead wrong.
My dream all throughout life has been escape. Running. as far away from anyone or anything that knows and recognizes flaws within me. within our relationship.
My daughter is free. As you can see represented in the photo I posted with this, she is relaxed, trusting, open and loved. She is with the people who love her the most in this world. Her family.
I'll be honest, I have never particularly cared for my family all that much. (save my mom and grama). If it were up to me I would adopt myself into someone elses genetic line completely. But now I have been given the opportunity to create my own family circle. I admit it's daunting. I get defeated at the simplest things not going off the way I want. I have visions of being a supermom and when I cant get the energy to make dinner at the end of the day, the whole day is written off as a fail to me. I know that its ok to have hard days, and even fail. I dont know where I learned it isnt.. but I hope to pass on freedom to my daughter without having to run to prove it.
I have slowly stopped missing my single childless life more and more lately. I am facing the wonder that is being a mom and a wife. Im learning. Im making mistakes- big ones, and I am flailing all over the place most of the time.. but a family loves one another.. at least that's what I think a family does...
I have always searched for a passion.. something to call my own, to put my name on. to show the world I am worth something. I think that all belongs to my family now, my daughter, my husband, the people I love and cherish and couldnt face the day without. The people that stop me from needing escape.
I havnt figured it all out yet. But at least I am learning.
