head shake

I am in awe of how much I love my family sometimes.

i have always thought of myself as an island. Able to stand alone and let the waves from others wash over me without much damage or care.

Over the past [almost] 2 years, I have come to realize that I am dead wrong.

My dream all throughout life has been escape. Running. as far away from anyone or anything that knows and recognizes flaws within me. within our relationship.

My daughter is free. As you can see represented in the photo I posted with this, she is relaxed, trusting, open and loved. She is with the people who love her the most in this world. Her family.

I'll be honest, I have never particularly cared for my family all that much. (save my mom and grama). If it were up to me I would adopt myself into someone elses genetic line completely. But now I have been given the opportunity to create my own family circle. I admit it's daunting. I get defeated at the simplest things not going off the way I want. I have visions of being a supermom and when I cant get the energy to make dinner at the end of the day, the whole day is written off as a fail to me. I know that its ok to have hard days, and even fail. I dont know where I learned it isnt.. but I hope to pass on freedom to my daughter without having to run to prove it.

I have slowly stopped missing my single childless life more and more lately. I am facing the wonder that is being a mom and a wife. Im learning. Im making mistakes- big ones, and I am flailing all over the place most of the time.. but a family loves one another.. at least that's what I think a family does...
I have always searched for a passion.. something to call my own, to put my name on. to show the world I am worth something. I think that all belongs to my family now, my daughter, my husband, the people I love and cherish and couldnt face the day without. The people that stop me from needing escape.

I havnt figured it all out yet. But at least I am learning.

Hello little upside down cake

whenever I sit down to write an entry, I always take a moment after writing the title; sigh, and the first word that comes to my brain every time is "Life"
why is that?

Its wednesday night, and everything is fine except that I cant sleep once again. we just finished LOST and I am not entirely sure how I'm supposed to sleep after that.

I have decided to start taking my photography much more seriously. I have been slightly obsessed with cameras and photographs since I can remember. I spent countless hours as a little girl going through my gramas boxes of old photographs picking out the ones I loved and hoped to re-create someday. I always wanted my grampas old film camera, and once I got my hands on it- it had been broken by the family member who owned it previously. Now I have a few digital ones, a lovely SLR that does what i tell it to most of the time, and a couple film ones, and a smaller digital one that is good for on the go need to capture the moment but not nessassarily make it a keeper photo.
But now my picture albums are simply jam packed with photos of my little pea, and events.. not beauty in the day or random things that make my eyes and heart happy... where did that inspiration and time go?? I must work to get this back!!

When I was a tween, before I had a camera of my own, I would buy countless disposable cameras from walmart and take hundreds of pictures of everything! I still have rolls and rolls of undeveloped film, though I am sure its spoiled by now.

I will resolve this, I wont let laziness or parenthood get in the way. I want to take a course or two in photography, shake off the dust and get behind the view finder again!!!

haircut

I am going to get bangs cut today. I've spent a year and a half growing them out,. and now I want them again. haha.
Hopefully the hairdresser does a good job and I dont want to cry.

Wedding planning has begun!!!
I am seriously loving all the searching and planning and delightfulness of creating my perfect wedding! I know there will most likely be letdowns in the process, but I am just enjoying it right now. Its so awesome.

It will be sunny, and outside, and vintagey with sunflowers and yellow and yummy!!! and so pretty. I am so excited!