head shake

I am in awe of how much I love my family sometimes.

i have always thought of myself as an island. Able to stand alone and let the waves from others wash over me without much damage or care.

Over the past [almost] 2 years, I have come to realize that I am dead wrong.

My dream all throughout life has been escape. Running. as far away from anyone or anything that knows and recognizes flaws within me. within our relationship.

My daughter is free. As you can see represented in the photo I posted with this, she is relaxed, trusting, open and loved. She is with the people who love her the most in this world. Her family.

I'll be honest, I have never particularly cared for my family all that much. (save my mom and grama). If it were up to me I would adopt myself into someone elses genetic line completely. But now I have been given the opportunity to create my own family circle. I admit it's daunting. I get defeated at the simplest things not going off the way I want. I have visions of being a supermom and when I cant get the energy to make dinner at the end of the day, the whole day is written off as a fail to me. I know that its ok to have hard days, and even fail. I dont know where I learned it isnt.. but I hope to pass on freedom to my daughter without having to run to prove it.

I have slowly stopped missing my single childless life more and more lately. I am facing the wonder that is being a mom and a wife. Im learning. Im making mistakes- big ones, and I am flailing all over the place most of the time.. but a family loves one another.. at least that's what I think a family does...
I have always searched for a passion.. something to call my own, to put my name on. to show the world I am worth something. I think that all belongs to my family now, my daughter, my husband, the people I love and cherish and couldnt face the day without. The people that stop me from needing escape.

I havnt figured it all out yet. But at least I am learning.

I <3 my husband Benjamin

Lately things in my new family have been a little strained. new arrival of the pea was expected, yet somehow still a surprise.
then the matter of the drama my body while 'recovering' went through, which was unexpected and very surprising.
Naturally i expect myself to heal quicker then superman.. evidently this isn't the case.

2 days ago some.. sorting out of the new parent roles was needed. some guidance for both of us. Eli is now 6 weeks old and its been a long, hard go of it. now that things are easing into a bit of a habit and or routine, its time we figure things out rationally as opposed to "oh my gosh shes crying again WHAT DO WE DO?!?!?!"

the 'couple' in us seemed to get lost amid the dirty diapers, formula and mood swings.
So a few days ago, Benjamin and I attended a Canadians baseball game. (anyone who knows me knows that sports of any kind aren't exactly my shtick, however i love my husband and he has been extremely patient with the crying, erratic behavior and life changes) Unfortunately we both got sunburned.. badly. really badly. but it was worth it to experience a family outing providing us both with some inner peace.
then yesterday we decided to take a trip to Granville Island. After shopping around and getting some AMAZING boccocini salad we decided to head home via scenic route. Its a wonderful stroll along the kitsilano beach and little wooded trails with blackberry bushes and gorgeous shoreline. not entirely stroller friendly, but beautiful none the less.
We got home, had a great dinner and then took another trip down to the ocean to watch the sunset. We laughed, smooched, cuddled and teased one another. and quietly sat ensconced in the sunset and the company of our spouse.

All this time i have been torturing my brain with thoughts about how before i was pregnant my relationship with Ben was perfect. we played catch, went for drives, sat in parks and chased each other, lounged in hammocks and read together in bed, and it was pure bliss. why did i have to wreck it?
These thoughts are dead wrong. Ben and I will always be the perfect we were before. we simply have to remember to remember.