head shake

I am in awe of how much I love my family sometimes.

i have always thought of myself as an island. Able to stand alone and let the waves from others wash over me without much damage or care.

Over the past [almost] 2 years, I have come to realize that I am dead wrong.

My dream all throughout life has been escape. Running. as far away from anyone or anything that knows and recognizes flaws within me. within our relationship.

My daughter is free. As you can see represented in the photo I posted with this, she is relaxed, trusting, open and loved. She is with the people who love her the most in this world. Her family.

I'll be honest, I have never particularly cared for my family all that much. (save my mom and grama). If it were up to me I would adopt myself into someone elses genetic line completely. But now I have been given the opportunity to create my own family circle. I admit it's daunting. I get defeated at the simplest things not going off the way I want. I have visions of being a supermom and when I cant get the energy to make dinner at the end of the day, the whole day is written off as a fail to me. I know that its ok to have hard days, and even fail. I dont know where I learned it isnt.. but I hope to pass on freedom to my daughter without having to run to prove it.

I have slowly stopped missing my single childless life more and more lately. I am facing the wonder that is being a mom and a wife. Im learning. Im making mistakes- big ones, and I am flailing all over the place most of the time.. but a family loves one another.. at least that's what I think a family does...
I have always searched for a passion.. something to call my own, to put my name on. to show the world I am worth something. I think that all belongs to my family now, my daughter, my husband, the people I love and cherish and couldnt face the day without. The people that stop me from needing escape.

I havnt figured it all out yet. But at least I am learning.

Hello little upside down cake

whenever I sit down to write an entry, I always take a moment after writing the title; sigh, and the first word that comes to my brain every time is "Life"
why is that?

Its wednesday night, and everything is fine except that I cant sleep once again. we just finished LOST and I am not entirely sure how I'm supposed to sleep after that.

I have decided to start taking my photography much more seriously. I have been slightly obsessed with cameras and photographs since I can remember. I spent countless hours as a little girl going through my gramas boxes of old photographs picking out the ones I loved and hoped to re-create someday. I always wanted my grampas old film camera, and once I got my hands on it- it had been broken by the family member who owned it previously. Now I have a few digital ones, a lovely SLR that does what i tell it to most of the time, and a couple film ones, and a smaller digital one that is good for on the go need to capture the moment but not nessassarily make it a keeper photo.
But now my picture albums are simply jam packed with photos of my little pea, and events.. not beauty in the day or random things that make my eyes and heart happy... where did that inspiration and time go?? I must work to get this back!!

When I was a tween, before I had a camera of my own, I would buy countless disposable cameras from walmart and take hundreds of pictures of everything! I still have rolls and rolls of undeveloped film, though I am sure its spoiled by now.

I will resolve this, I wont let laziness or parenthood get in the way. I want to take a course or two in photography, shake off the dust and get behind the view finder again!!!

haircut

I am going to get bangs cut today. I've spent a year and a half growing them out,. and now I want them again. haha.
Hopefully the hairdresser does a good job and I dont want to cry.

Wedding planning has begun!!!
I am seriously loving all the searching and planning and delightfulness of creating my perfect wedding! I know there will most likely be letdowns in the process, but I am just enjoying it right now. Its so awesome.

It will be sunny, and outside, and vintagey with sunflowers and yellow and yummy!!! and so pretty. I am so excited!

this song always makes me cry

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You, we turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You, we turn to You
In Your Kingdom broken lives are made new, You make us new
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus
(Repeat)
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna, hosanna

crunch leafs

It is amazing to watch beauty.
It is even more amazing when the beauty you're watching pulls itself into you.

It feel so magical, so refreshing to get back to the things that matter to you. that make you feel human. normal. right. peaceful. and beautiful.
Its so easy to do this, but we forget.
All day everyday I am pumped with images of despair, loneliness, hate, lust, suffering and self absorbtion. It weighs me down. until my head is full of these things.
I can feel the light, the beauty underneath it all, but it seems to out of reach for me to actually step forward and stretch my hands out into the beam of light.

I want to create.

Today I found out why i am where i am. why i am who i am. and why i am what i am. [thats popeye]
Today i discovered the world.
Today i recieved a gift.
Today i learned to love my little girl.
And today i found out why i have her.

Tomorrow is another adventure. i want to clutch the sunbeams in my fingers and feel the joy rise in me. I want to laugh with reckless abandon and run and chase and build and tear down and rise up and love and learn and create.

kate

my goodness Kate Winslet is beautiful. She is like George Clooney, she just keeps getting better with age. I wish all women were like this.

sunday day

This morning I went for a little walk. I just took Baby and strolled into the park where Ben and I got married.
The leaves have fallen all over the ground now [when did autumn get here???] and the bare tree tops with the leaves that are still resisting their fate look so brilliant with the sun streaming through. I was entranced. so was the Pea.
I [we] sat on a bench and I remembered all those times as a child when I would go for a walk through a grove of trees and ponder life. even as a very small child I was fascinated by the idea of life existing outside my view.
I always had some imaginary friend with me. whether it was just my jimminy cricket, Jesus or some little toy I had with me that I had given a soul to... I was never really alone. And now I have a Pea with me everywhere.
So it seems some things never change, even when we think everything has. things just become more real as we experience them.

Now I would like my husband to come home so I can have some of this beautiful evening with him.

uncensored

So I am brewing up some ideas surrounding starting professionally blogging.
However I am having a few minor issues so far.. One being the blog 'title'. Now I know that it should reflect what the blog is mainly about etc. [see; miss604.com] but my mind is drawing blanks.

another issue is that I want to incorporate photos into the grand majority of my blog, and I just sold my SLR so that I could buy the one I prefer, but the money ended up going to other things..
another thing would be my Grammar. Never taught it properly in school (as my gr. 12 english teacher found out, none of us knew it properly), I admit i get nervous about certain rules of our language.

and lastly, the only 2 things on my mind are when my darling child has eaten, and sex.
thats right, i said the 's' word.
I tend to lean more to the male side of the sex thing, this being, the thought of it truly does come into mind approximately every 3-7 seconds.
-When I am not thinking about my childs appetite.

I want my 'pro blog' to incorporate sex. sexuality, sexual abuse, growth, health etc. but that's not all i want it to be about. not by a long stretch.. soooo i am stuck.
*side note; i do not want it to be about my daughters feeding schedule.

i don't want the title to be dirty, stuck up, mother-goosey or that Susan sex ladylike or 'emo'.
i want it to attract, girls, boys, married couples, Christians and single mothers/fathers.
yes, i realize some advertising and twittering will be a must for this to occur.

any advice?

swimwear

I remember when the thing i wanted THE most was a red swimsuit with a zipper down the front.

oh the early 90's...

a slice of peace-ah

Tonight Ben had a buddy over to watch their secret addiction 'Deadwood' and he was wonderful and let me have a chance to go for a walk all on my own! (without the pea)

I didnt know what exactly to do with myself at first, but then I headed for the beach.
i found I wasnt alone in that plan and stumbled upon a group of "herb" using hippies. so I ventured on.

The sun was setting so i sat down on the grass in a little park near the water and started to pray.
I became aware of more and more sounds and voices around me as the time went on. And looking around I saw what was probably about 12 couples all snuggled up on picnic blankets takin in the sunset with their loved ones in their arms.

When I get angsty and pent up feeling about my location.. being here in Vancouver with sparse friends and zero family, I think its wise for me to go watch the sunset.
Ben chose the perfect place for me. for us. and I am so proud to be a part of his life and his future,
and that means that my future (for the meantime anywho) is right here.

summer breeze

there is something amazing about waking up to a brilliantly sunny, early summer morning.
maybe its my mental connection with camp, camping and working outdoors.

Lets face it, I am sure everyone must feel a tad bit like crawling back under the covers and hiding, when the winter has gone on so---long---- that you feel like it will always be dark when your alarm goes off, and no amount of layering will protect you from the wind.
But when you wake up; and before you have even opened your eyes you feel the sunbeams on your face and hear the birds and smell the summer air, the air thats still cool from the nighttime but getting hotter and hotter by the minute.. mmm thats wondrous.
and it makes me want kool aid and tan lines.

I <3 my husband Benjamin

Lately things in my new family have been a little strained. new arrival of the pea was expected, yet somehow still a surprise.
then the matter of the drama my body while 'recovering' went through, which was unexpected and very surprising.
Naturally i expect myself to heal quicker then superman.. evidently this isn't the case.

2 days ago some.. sorting out of the new parent roles was needed. some guidance for both of us. Eli is now 6 weeks old and its been a long, hard go of it. now that things are easing into a bit of a habit and or routine, its time we figure things out rationally as opposed to "oh my gosh shes crying again WHAT DO WE DO?!?!?!"

the 'couple' in us seemed to get lost amid the dirty diapers, formula and mood swings.
So a few days ago, Benjamin and I attended a Canadians baseball game. (anyone who knows me knows that sports of any kind aren't exactly my shtick, however i love my husband and he has been extremely patient with the crying, erratic behavior and life changes) Unfortunately we both got sunburned.. badly. really badly. but it was worth it to experience a family outing providing us both with some inner peace.
then yesterday we decided to take a trip to Granville Island. After shopping around and getting some AMAZING boccocini salad we decided to head home via scenic route. Its a wonderful stroll along the kitsilano beach and little wooded trails with blackberry bushes and gorgeous shoreline. not entirely stroller friendly, but beautiful none the less.
We got home, had a great dinner and then took another trip down to the ocean to watch the sunset. We laughed, smooched, cuddled and teased one another. and quietly sat ensconced in the sunset and the company of our spouse.

All this time i have been torturing my brain with thoughts about how before i was pregnant my relationship with Ben was perfect. we played catch, went for drives, sat in parks and chased each other, lounged in hammocks and read together in bed, and it was pure bliss. why did i have to wreck it?
These thoughts are dead wrong. Ben and I will always be the perfect we were before. we simply have to remember to remember.

Samsonite complete

Here is the suitcase I have been working on for quite awhile now.
we had some technical difficulties with paint colours etc. but all worked out and I am extremely pleased with the way it turned out!

I now have my 'bringing home baby' suitcase for the upcoming hospital trip!

May 7th...and no stork

I am here in Victoria waiting for this little pea to come out of me.. its taking its sweet time as far as i am concerned.
Im not sleeping.. now i am adding anxiety attacks to the mix, and i could eat about 100 cupcakes without noticing today i think.. man i love cupcakes.
I want to see every one of my friends that i know i wont see for such a long time once i leave again.. and I feel like there isnt enough energy or time in my body for this endeavor. but I will prevail!
I am sooo tired and nauseous that i just feel awful and its taking my craft energy away! which is TOTALLY not cool.
I dont feel ready for this at all.
this was not good timing or planning on my part.
stupid human free will.

paints and thread

crafts crafts crafts!!
I have had a super busy week here visiting my momma!!
lots got solved, like the issue of the baby being upside down! but [she] has now flipped around and is all ready to come out! I still have a couple weeks to go but the baby is 5 pounds 7 ounces as of right now (we would like it to gain one or two more pounds)

I got a little old fashioned hard sampsonite suitcase! its child size and it was painted white, but i just painted it pink, and i am putting little owls on it and leaves!!
I also made a mobile for baby and its ADORABLE! its little felt birdie shapes in red, blue and purple and the have white stitching around the edges and hang from a white painted twig that a hummingbird showed me!

Blanket and a Pillow

every moment with you is framed by beauty.
and not beauty in the way we think of it...
but in a photographers way of thinking..
every moment; captured, held, suspended. lifted up.. appreciated. cherished. hung on a wall behind me eyes, to see and to be seen by all walking past. i radiate with your love inside of me.
---i want to tell you a story,
--and i hope you will see it in the same colours i can...
-its painted gold and silver, they intertwine and loop around each other,
and theres music in the story that cannot be sung by human voices.
and the voices are even greater then the angels themselves.
the story has our future in it, and the past has become good.
the past is good because now we see each other in all of it.
and the peices fit together and grow...

when i fall asleep with you with the door open i know what a child feels when they trust..
innocence, honesty. love.
i love how you bring me poetry, and how the simple things now have meaning
like a wind chime made of broken bottles and wine glasses
tied up by thick fishing wire, and decorated with clam shells.
thats beauty to me now.
and its everywhere.

how does your shoulder feel better then a pillow?
and how does the rain make me sing and skip because it makes me think of being baptized?
i want to learn everything with you... and i want to know nothing with you.

teddy bear picnic

http://tadasrevolution.wordpress.com/

This has filled me up today.
with craftiness

Lucky penny

I am feeling... uninspired.
I want to walk down to the water and bask in the sun. Its still a cold wind and I can see snow tipped mountains in the distance, but I want to celebrate the absence of the rain and the grey clouds today.
I am feeling... benevolent.
*I wont comment on the fact that Benjamin taught me what that word means yesterday*
I want to know that I will know what to do when the time comes.
sometimes I throw myself too violently onto the couch or into the car and I feel a sharp pain and wonder if I have caused harm. and it scares me to remember how fragile life is.
I am feeling... willowtrees.
I know thats not one word. but its how i feel.
I want to go take a thousand pictures of a leaf, and the ocean floor. I want a goldfish in a glass jar with rainbow pebbles and a little shrub. I want to name it something human like Gracie or Edwin. or maybe Finn.
I am feeling... restless.
I want to have a picnic. and sit on a huge blanket munching on pea-pods and havarti and biscuits. sipping iced tea out of a thermos and telling stories about the clouds. as they pass over our heads. I love that I have strong memories about a hammock and laughing in the grass.
I want to read about everything, and fill my mind with dreams and art and patchwork teddy bears.
I get to love
I get to be loved.
and it makes me feel... arms outstretched at sunrise.

J'aime Johnson is at home

So today was a different day..
Instead of jumping up as soon as it was daylight me and the mister stayed in bed and doozed and snuggled and listened to the rainy wet street noise. i watched out the window at the little birds groom the buds and sing [really annoying] little sing songs at one another.

I laid there and felt the little pea squirm around in my belly for about an hour before I realized that I feel like I am home.

I havnt felt like the place I have lived (as in my local address) has been somewhere I can walk into after work, or a trip away, throw my purse down, slip off my shoes and feel that sense of home since I lived in Nanaimo. that same sense you have when you are 5 and you live in a house with your parent(s), and your grandparents [live there too or come to visit at least]. where you know every little nook and crevace because you're 5 and you have all the time in the world to explore, and in truth thats the only thing that interests you.
where when you move out of that place you end up missing the ugly shag carpetting or the stained countertops and the lazy susan that never spun properly.. all good reasons your parent(s) saw for moving, but these things made you feel right with the world.

Now, the apartment (or condo rather) I am living in now, does have a lazy susan. but it works perfectly. it doesnt have shag carpetting and the counter tops are pretty new.. but it has all these other quirks. and them combined with the fact that the man I love is here, and the smell of the sea and the puddles on the balcony.. they all make me feel like i am right where i belong.

when it rains, it sounds like rain falling on a tent in our bedroom. its loud and speratic and messy. and wonderful.
when its sunny, the rays shove themselves through the shutters in the living room and spill in clean bright yellow lines along the floor that make me want to stretch out in them and soak in their warmth.
when its grey and cloudy, everything gets quiet, and the day seems to go on forever. and our couch is perfect for curling up on and reading.
I love being Home.