head shake

I am in awe of how much I love my family sometimes.

i have always thought of myself as an island. Able to stand alone and let the waves from others wash over me without much damage or care.

Over the past [almost] 2 years, I have come to realize that I am dead wrong.

My dream all throughout life has been escape. Running. as far away from anyone or anything that knows and recognizes flaws within me. within our relationship.

My daughter is free. As you can see represented in the photo I posted with this, she is relaxed, trusting, open and loved. She is with the people who love her the most in this world. Her family.

I'll be honest, I have never particularly cared for my family all that much. (save my mom and grama). If it were up to me I would adopt myself into someone elses genetic line completely. But now I have been given the opportunity to create my own family circle. I admit it's daunting. I get defeated at the simplest things not going off the way I want. I have visions of being a supermom and when I cant get the energy to make dinner at the end of the day, the whole day is written off as a fail to me. I know that its ok to have hard days, and even fail. I dont know where I learned it isnt.. but I hope to pass on freedom to my daughter without having to run to prove it.

I have slowly stopped missing my single childless life more and more lately. I am facing the wonder that is being a mom and a wife. Im learning. Im making mistakes- big ones, and I am flailing all over the place most of the time.. but a family loves one another.. at least that's what I think a family does...
I have always searched for a passion.. something to call my own, to put my name on. to show the world I am worth something. I think that all belongs to my family now, my daughter, my husband, the people I love and cherish and couldnt face the day without. The people that stop me from needing escape.

I havnt figured it all out yet. But at least I am learning.

Hello little upside down cake

whenever I sit down to write an entry, I always take a moment after writing the title; sigh, and the first word that comes to my brain every time is "Life"
why is that?

Its wednesday night, and everything is fine except that I cant sleep once again. we just finished LOST and I am not entirely sure how I'm supposed to sleep after that.

I have decided to start taking my photography much more seriously. I have been slightly obsessed with cameras and photographs since I can remember. I spent countless hours as a little girl going through my gramas boxes of old photographs picking out the ones I loved and hoped to re-create someday. I always wanted my grampas old film camera, and once I got my hands on it- it had been broken by the family member who owned it previously. Now I have a few digital ones, a lovely SLR that does what i tell it to most of the time, and a couple film ones, and a smaller digital one that is good for on the go need to capture the moment but not nessassarily make it a keeper photo.
But now my picture albums are simply jam packed with photos of my little pea, and events.. not beauty in the day or random things that make my eyes and heart happy... where did that inspiration and time go?? I must work to get this back!!

When I was a tween, before I had a camera of my own, I would buy countless disposable cameras from walmart and take hundreds of pictures of everything! I still have rolls and rolls of undeveloped film, though I am sure its spoiled by now.

I will resolve this, I wont let laziness or parenthood get in the way. I want to take a course or two in photography, shake off the dust and get behind the view finder again!!!

haircut

I am going to get bangs cut today. I've spent a year and a half growing them out,. and now I want them again. haha.
Hopefully the hairdresser does a good job and I dont want to cry.

Wedding planning has begun!!!
I am seriously loving all the searching and planning and delightfulness of creating my perfect wedding! I know there will most likely be letdowns in the process, but I am just enjoying it right now. Its so awesome.

It will be sunny, and outside, and vintagey with sunflowers and yellow and yummy!!! and so pretty. I am so excited!

this song always makes me cry

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You, we turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You, we turn to You
In Your Kingdom broken lives are made new, You make us new
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus
(Repeat)
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna, hosanna

crunch leafs

It is amazing to watch beauty.
It is even more amazing when the beauty you're watching pulls itself into you.

It feel so magical, so refreshing to get back to the things that matter to you. that make you feel human. normal. right. peaceful. and beautiful.
Its so easy to do this, but we forget.
All day everyday I am pumped with images of despair, loneliness, hate, lust, suffering and self absorbtion. It weighs me down. until my head is full of these things.
I can feel the light, the beauty underneath it all, but it seems to out of reach for me to actually step forward and stretch my hands out into the beam of light.

I want to create.

Today I found out why i am where i am. why i am who i am. and why i am what i am. [thats popeye]
Today i discovered the world.
Today i recieved a gift.
Today i learned to love my little girl.
And today i found out why i have her.

Tomorrow is another adventure. i want to clutch the sunbeams in my fingers and feel the joy rise in me. I want to laugh with reckless abandon and run and chase and build and tear down and rise up and love and learn and create.

kate

my goodness Kate Winslet is beautiful. She is like George Clooney, she just keeps getting better with age. I wish all women were like this.