Apt. 407

head shake

2010-06-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

I am in awe of how much I love my family sometimes.

i have always thought of myself as an island. Able to stand alone and let the waves from others wash over me without much damage or care.

Over the past [almost] 2 years, I have come to realize that I am dead wrong.

My dream all throughout life has been escape. Running. as far away from anyone or anything that knows and recognizes flaws within me. within our relationship.

My daughter is free. As you can see represented in the photo I posted with this, she is relaxed, trusting, open and loved. She is with the people who love her the most in this world. Her family.

I'll be honest, I have never particularly cared for my family all that much. (save my mom and grama). If it were up to me I would adopt myself into someone elses genetic line completely. But now I have been given the opportunity to create my own family circle. I admit it's daunting. I get defeated at the simplest things not going off the way I want. I have visions of being a supermom and when I cant get the energy to make dinner at the end of the day, the whole day is written off as a fail to me. I know that its ok to have hard days, and even fail. I dont know where I learned it isnt.. but I hope to pass on freedom to my daughter without having to run to prove it.

I have slowly stopped missing my single childless life more and more lately. I am facing the wonder that is being a mom and a wife. Im learning. Im making mistakes- big ones, and I am flailing all over the place most of the time.. but a family loves one another.. at least that's what I think a family does...
I have always searched for a passion.. something to call my own, to put my name on. to show the world I am worth something. I think that all belongs to my family now, my daughter, my husband, the people I love and cherish and couldnt face the day without. The people that stop me from needing escape.

I havnt figured it all out yet. But at least I am learning.

Hello little upside down cake

2010-05-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

whenever I sit down to write an entry, I always take a moment after writing the title; sigh, and the first word that comes to my brain every time is "Life"
why is that?

Its wednesday night, and everything is fine except that I cant sleep once again. we just finished LOST and I am not entirely sure how I'm supposed to sleep after that.

I have decided to start taking my photography much more seriously. I have been slightly obsessed with cameras and photographs since I can remember. I spent countless hours as a little girl going through my gramas boxes of old photographs picking out the ones I loved and hoped to re-create someday. I always wanted my grampas old film camera, and once I got my hands on it- it had been broken by the family member who owned it previously. Now I have a few digital ones, a lovely SLR that does what i tell it to most of the time, and a couple film ones, and a smaller digital one that is good for on the go need to capture the moment but not nessassarily make it a keeper photo.
But now my picture albums are simply jam packed with photos of my little pea, and events.. not beauty in the day or random things that make my eyes and heart happy... where did that inspiration and time go?? I must work to get this back!!

When I was a tween, before I had a camera of my own, I would buy countless disposable cameras from walmart and take hundreds of pictures of everything! I still have rolls and rolls of undeveloped film, though I am sure its spoiled by now.

I will resolve this, I wont let laziness or parenthood get in the way. I want to take a course or two in photography, shake off the dust and get behind the view finder again!!!

haircut

2010-05-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

I am going to get bangs cut today. I've spent a year and a half growing them out,. and now I want them again. haha.
Hopefully the hairdresser does a good job and I dont want to cry.

2010-04-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

Wedding planning has begun!!!
I am seriously loving all the searching and planning and delightfulness of creating my perfect wedding! I know there will most likely be letdowns in the process, but I am just enjoying it right now. Its so awesome.

It will be sunny, and outside, and vintagey with sunflowers and yellow and yummy!!! and so pretty. I am so excited!

this song always makes me cry

2009-12-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You, we turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You, we turn to You
In Your Kingdom broken lives are made new, You make us new
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your Presence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS
Hosanna, hosanna
You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises
Hosanna, hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here, Lord Jesus
(Repeat)
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna, hosanna

crunch leafs

2009-10-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to watch beauty.
It is even more amazing when the beauty you're watching pulls itself into you.

It feel so magical, so refreshing to get back to the things that matter to you. that make you feel human. normal. right. peaceful. and beautiful.
Its so easy to do this, but we forget.
All day everyday I am pumped with images of despair, loneliness, hate, lust, suffering and self absorbtion. It weighs me down. until my head is full of these things.
I can feel the light, the beauty underneath it all, but it seems to out of reach for me to actually step forward and stretch my hands out into the beam of light.

I want to create.

Today I found out why i am where i am. why i am who i am. and why i am what i am. [thats popeye]
Today i discovered the world.
Today i recieved a gift.
Today i learned to love my little girl.
And today i found out why i have her.

Tomorrow is another adventure. i want to clutch the sunbeams in my fingers and feel the joy rise in me. I want to laugh with reckless abandon and run and chase and build and tear down and rise up and love and learn and create.

kate

2009-09-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

my goodness Kate Winslet is beautiful. She is like George Clooney, she just keeps getting better with age. I wish all women were like this.

sunday day

2009-09-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I went for a little walk. I just took Baby and strolled into the park where Ben and I got married.
The leaves have fallen all over the ground now [when did autumn get here???] and the bare tree tops with the leaves that are still resisting their fate look so brilliant with the sun streaming through. I was entranced. so was the Pea.
I [we] sat on a bench and I remembered all those times as a child when I would go for a walk through a grove of trees and ponder life. even as a very small child I was fascinated by the idea of life existing outside my view.
I always had some imaginary friend with me. whether it was just my jimminy cricket, Jesus or some little toy I had with me that I had given a soul to... I was never really alone. And now I have a Pea with me everywhere.
So it seems some things never change, even when we think everything has. things just become more real as we experience them.

Now I would like my husband to come home so I can have some of this beautiful evening with him.

uncensored

2009-08-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

So I am brewing up some ideas surrounding starting professionally blogging.
However I am having a few minor issues so far.. One being the blog 'title'. Now I know that it should reflect what the blog is mainly about etc. [see; miss604.com] but my mind is drawing blanks.

another issue is that I want to incorporate photos into the grand majority of my blog, and I just sold my SLR so that I could buy the one I prefer, but the money ended up going to other things..
another thing would be my Grammar. Never taught it properly in school (as my gr. 12 english teacher found out, none of us knew it properly), I admit i get nervous about certain rules of our language.

and lastly, the only 2 things on my mind are when my darling child has eaten, and sex.
thats right, i said the 's' word.
I tend to lean more to the male side of the sex thing, this being, the thought of it truly does come into mind approximately every 3-7 seconds.
-When I am not thinking about my childs appetite.

I want my 'pro blog' to incorporate sex. sexuality, sexual abuse, growth, health etc. but that's not all i want it to be about. not by a long stretch.. soooo i am stuck.
*side note; i do not want it to be about my daughters feeding schedule.

i don't want the title to be dirty, stuck up, mother-goosey or that Susan sex ladylike or 'emo'.
i want it to attract, girls, boys, married couples, Christians and single mothers/fathers.
yes, i realize some advertising and twittering will be a must for this to occur.

any advice?

swimwear

2009-07-31T22:21:00.001-07:00

I remember when the thing i wanted THE most was a red swimsuit with a zipper down the front.

oh the early 90's...

a slice of peace-ah

2009-07-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight Ben had a buddy over to watch their secret addiction 'Deadwood' and he was wonderful and let me have a chance to go for a walk all on my own! (without the pea)

I didnt know what exactly to do with myself at first, but then I headed for the beach.
i found I wasnt alone in that plan and stumbled upon a group of "herb" using hippies. so I ventured on.

The sun was setting so i sat down on the grass in a little park near the water and started to pray.
I became aware of more and more sounds and voices around me as the time went on. And looking around I saw what was probably about 12 couples all snuggled up on picnic blankets takin in the sunset with their loved ones in their arms.

When I get angsty and pent up feeling about my location.. being here in Vancouver with sparse friends and zero family, I think its wise for me to go watch the sunset.
Ben chose the perfect place for me. for us. and I am so proud to be a part of his life and his future,
and that means that my future (for the meantime anywho) is right here.

summer breeze

2009-07-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

there is something amazing about waking up to a brilliantly sunny, early summer morning.
maybe its my mental connection with camp, camping and working outdoors.

Lets face it, I am sure everyone must feel a tad bit like crawling back under the covers and hiding, when the winter has gone on so---long---- that you feel like it will always be dark when your alarm goes off, and no amount of layering will protect you from the wind.
But when you wake up; and before you have even opened your eyes you feel the sunbeams on your face and hear the birds and smell the summer air, the air thats still cool from the nighttime but getting hotter and hotter by the minute.. mmm thats wondrous.
and it makes me want kool aid and tan lines.

I <3 my husband Benjamin

2009-07-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

Lately things in my new family have been a little strained. new arrival of the pea was expected, yet somehow still a surprise.
then the matter of the drama my body while 'recovering' went through, which was unexpected and very surprising.
Naturally i expect myself to heal quicker then superman.. evidently this isn't the case.

2 days ago some.. sorting out of the new parent roles was needed. some guidance for both of us. Eli is now 6 weeks old and its been a long, hard go of it. now that things are easing into a bit of a habit and or routine, its time we figure things out rationally as opposed to "oh my gosh shes crying again WHAT DO WE DO?!?!?!"

the 'couple' in us seemed to get lost amid the dirty diapers, formula and mood swings.
So a few days ago, Benjamin and I attended a Canadians baseball game. (anyone who knows me knows that sports of any kind aren't exactly my shtick, however i love my husband and he has been extremely patient with the crying, erratic behavior and life changes) Unfortunately we both got sunburned.. badly. really badly. but it was worth it to experience a family outing providing us both with some inner peace.
then yesterday we decided to take a trip to Granville Island. After shopping around and getting some AMAZING boccocini salad we decided to head home via scenic route. Its a wonderful stroll along the kitsilano beach and little wooded trails with blackberry bushes and gorgeous shoreline. not entirely stroller friendly, but beautiful none the less.
We got home, had a great dinner and then took another trip down to the ocean to watch the sunset. We laughed, smooched, cuddled and teased one another. and quietly sat ensconced in the sunset and the company of our spouse.

All this time i have been torturing my brain with thoughts about how before i was pregnant my relationship with Ben was perfect. we played catch, went for drives, sat in parks and chased each other, lounged in hammocks and read together in bed, and it was pure bliss. why did i have to wreck it?
These thoughts are dead wrong. Ben and I will always be the perfect we were before. we simply have to remember to remember.

Samsonite complete

2009-05-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

Here is the suitcase I have been working on for quite awhile now.
we had some technical difficulties with paint colours etc. but all worked out and I am extremely pleased with the way it turned out!

I now have my 'bringing home baby' suitcase for the upcoming hospital trip!

May 7th...and no stork

2009-05-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

I am here in Victoria waiting for this little pea to come out of me.. its taking its sweet time as far as i am concerned.
Im not sleeping.. now i am adding anxiety attacks to the mix, and i could eat about 100 cupcakes without noticing today i think.. man i love cupcakes.
I want to see every one of my friends that i know i wont see for such a long time once i leave again.. and I feel like there isnt enough energy or time in my body for this endeavor. but I will prevail!
I am sooo tired and nauseous that i just feel awful and its taking my craft energy away! which is TOTALLY not cool.
I dont feel ready for this at all.
this was not good timing or planning on my part.
stupid human free will.

paints and thread

2009-04-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

crafts crafts crafts!!
I have had a super busy week here visiting my momma!!
lots got solved, like the issue of the baby being upside down! but [she] has now flipped around and is all ready to come out! I still have a couple weeks to go but the baby is 5 pounds 7 ounces as of right now (we would like it to gain one or two more pounds)

I got a little old fashioned hard sampsonite suitcase! its child size and it was painted white, but i just painted it pink, and i am putting little owls on it and leaves!!
I also made a mobile for baby and its ADORABLE! its little felt birdie shapes in red, blue and purple and the have white stitching around the edges and hang from a white painted twig that a hummingbird showed me!

Blanket and a Pillow

2009-04-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

every moment with you is framed by beauty.
and not beauty in the way we think of it...
but in a photographers way of thinking..
every moment; captured, held, suspended. lifted up.. appreciated. cherished. hung on a wall behind me eyes, to see and to be seen by all walking past. i radiate with your love inside of me.
---i want to tell you a story,
--and i hope you will see it in the same colours i can...
-its painted gold and silver, they intertwine and loop around each other,
and theres music in the story that cannot be sung by human voices.
and the voices are even greater then the angels themselves.
the story has our future in it, and the past has become good.
the past is good because now we see each other in all of it.
and the peices fit together and grow...

when i fall asleep with you with the door open i know what a child feels when they trust..
innocence, honesty. love.
i love how you bring me poetry, and how the simple things now have meaning
like a wind chime made of broken bottles and wine glasses
tied up by thick fishing wire, and decorated with clam shells.
thats beauty to me now.
and its everywhere.

how does your shoulder feel better then a pillow?
and how does the rain make me sing and skip because it makes me think of being baptized?
i want to learn everything with you... and i want to know nothing with you.

teddy bear picnic

2009-04-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

http://tadasrevolution.wordpress.com/

This has filled me up today.
with craftiness

Lucky penny

2009-04-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am feeling... uninspired.
I want to walk down to the water and bask in the sun. Its still a cold wind and I can see snow tipped mountains in the distance, but I want to celebrate the absence of the rain and the grey clouds today.
I am feeling... benevolent.
*I wont comment on the fact that Benjamin taught me what that word means yesterday*
I want to know that I will know what to do when the time comes.
sometimes I throw myself too violently onto the couch or into the car and I feel a sharp pain and wonder if I have caused harm. and it scares me to remember how fragile life is.
I am feeling... willowtrees.
I know thats not one word. but its how i feel.
I want to go take a thousand pictures of a leaf, and the ocean floor. I want a goldfish in a glass jar with rainbow pebbles and a little shrub. I want to name it something human like Gracie or Edwin. or maybe Finn.
I am feeling... restless.
I want to have a picnic. and sit on a huge blanket munching on pea-pods and havarti and biscuits. sipping iced tea out of a thermos and telling stories about the clouds. as they pass over our heads. I love that I have strong memories about a hammock and laughing in the grass.
I want to read about everything, and fill my mind with dreams and art and patchwork teddy bears.
I get to love
I get to be loved.
and it makes me feel... arms outstretched at sunrise.

J'aime Johnson is at home

2009-04-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

So today was a different day..
Instead of jumping up as soon as it was daylight me and the mister stayed in bed and doozed and snuggled and listened to the rainy wet street noise. i watched out the window at the little birds groom the buds and sing [really annoying] little sing songs at one another.

I laid there and felt the little pea squirm around in my belly for about an hour before I realized that I feel like I am home.

I havnt felt like the place I have lived (as in my local address) has been somewhere I can walk into after work, or a trip away, throw my purse down, slip off my shoes and feel that sense of home since I lived in Nanaimo. that same sense you have when you are 5 and you live in a house with your parent(s), and your grandparents [live there too or come to visit at least]. where you know every little nook and crevace because you're 5 and you have all the time in the world to explore, and in truth thats the only thing that interests you.
where when you move out of that place you end up missing the ugly shag carpetting or the stained countertops and the lazy susan that never spun properly.. all good reasons your parent(s) saw for moving, but these things made you feel right with the world.

Now, the apartment (or condo rather) I am living in now, does have a lazy susan. but it works perfectly. it doesnt have shag carpetting and the counter tops are pretty new.. but it has all these other quirks. and them combined with the fact that the man I love is here, and the smell of the sea and the puddles on the balcony.. they all make me feel like i am right where i belong.

when it rains, it sounds like rain falling on a tent in our bedroom. its loud and speratic and messy. and wonderful.
when its sunny, the rays shove themselves through the shutters in the living room and spill in clean bright yellow lines along the floor that make me want to stretch out in them and soak in their warmth.
when its grey and cloudy, everything gets quiet, and the day seems to go on forever. and our couch is perfect for curling up on and reading.
I love being Home.

a different closet everyday

2009-04-09T19:06:00.001-07:00

modcloth.com
thats all i have to say..

faceless

2009-04-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

'Spin me round again and rub my eyes, this cant be happening. ---
When busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy.
Hide and Seek... Dreams are soaking my sheets.'

A breeze on my cheek.
The faint smell for one instant of something from my childhood.. a memory.. fading.
I still remember my doll with blue hair in her gold dress. How long will that memory stick around now?
Will my childhood memories be replaced with the ones of my childs?
strange thought..

I want to make things.. craft things. Make a home for things. and creatures.
pet rocks.
I want to write evenly. To have it ~flow~ just once.

I will never know abandonment again.. or the heartbreak of trusting your heart to someone and having them treat it like toast crumbs. pudding skin.. the sugary part of tea at the very bottom of the cup..
this pleases me.

Nonsense. Brilliance. Science. Beauty. Strength.. powerful words, taken to lightly.
nothing is flowing today.
everything is growing though! because it is springtime now! the dew drops are turned warm and the birds are trimming the buds on the dogwood outside our window, awaiting them to blossom. {{{ i think the birds like the blossoms for their beauty as much as i do}}}
Birds have far less time to live life, so they must absorb everything much faster.
this makes me pleased.

**Wish me well.**

music in silence

2009-04-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

I am not a very musically inclined person i have noticed.
For instance, I dont listen to the radio.. I am not 'up' with the latest tracks [yo], my ipod has a few select songs that I like to listen to again and again because I either love them for something they are connected to, or I listened to these songs growing up. I dont quest around on limewire for new songs, i dont know anything about new artists and I certainly dont understand how one keeps up with the fact that there seems to be someone new on 'the scene' everyday.. and everyone seem to know their hit song off by heart before I have even figured out the lyrics to brittney spears' "hit me baby"...
My Husband on the other hand, LOVES new music. He has the 'coffee shop' station on almost the whole day, he knows these indie bands like they are related to him and he isnt scared to find a new station on some days.
He likes to listen to music while he works, while he reads, while he eats..
I like background noise too, so I can understand this, however, I will put on a movie for background noise. I like the familiar dialouge and the fact that you can stop what your doing and sit down for a minute and it doesnt seem like your just sitting there, your watching a movie!
when i clean, or write, or read, i like silence. I like to be alone with my thoughts in a quiet atmosphere and not have the newest awesomest kick-ass artist strumming thier guitar and telling me about how bad they want to still be with her...

BUT, i am starting to get accustomed to music being on daily. and not only that, but before writing this post i reached over and turned on the radio to listen to some guy talk about budget cuts. (another of Bens fav stations). This isnt because I have started liking it... I think its because Ben is away this weekend and now its made me feel more attached to him.
so strange...

Intermission

2009-03-26T15:22:00.001-07:00

I have a post brewing in my heart, but its a doozey... and I think I will need to ponder a bit more on it.

daily observations

2009-03-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

Things I have observed today:

A tiny white fluffy puppy with a hardcore steel muzzle on...
A kind act on 2 separate occasions by a stranger to a stranger.
A criminal running from the 'fuzz' and narrowly escaping onto the skytrain.. and then sitting down beside me..
That I can no longer see my toes when i look straight down.
That deciding between red and black gumboots is harder than it should be.
That I believe I have the ugliest feet and fat ankles. or 'cankles'
That not everyone has my sense of humour.
That when you are at a bus stop, and you see A) an old person or B) someone with an iphone, chances are the bus should soon arrive.
That my emotions are playing tricks on me
That no matter how many times I hallucinate about a little black ginuea pig running across the floor or ceiling, its not actually ever there.
That the smell of doggie poo is strongest when it rains.

small blessings in discreet shapes

2009-03-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

Recently life has been such a myriad of things.. wedding, moving, baby, friends coming in and out of my life, changing not only church congregations but denominations as well.. and some times there are these little things that come up that remind me that a) i am in fact on the right path, or b)that its all worth it.

I know that I wrote earlier, before Benjamin and I got back together, about how he was dating another girl, and while I wanted to be fully respectful of that it was hurting me immensely. I didnt want to be the source of pain and confrontation and all that drama drama that we girls find ourselves in faaaar too often. well.. for the past week and a half, that girl he was dating has been emailing me. she has confessed feelings of jealousy and hurt and all those little things i can relate to being a female and a Christian and a human being in general..
We have found ourselves being extremely honest to one another about how we are feeling about life and situations and all that and I am finding myself very drawn to her in a sisterly sort of way. which in all honesty is the whole point of my faith.

the point of me having a relationsip with Jesus means that I have to have relationships with others whether its awkward, difficult, smelly or strained. and not just aquaintence like relationships, but one where i love that person without condition because they, like me, are loved by Jesus.
In a book im currently reading to prepare me for marriage, the author states at one point that when Jesus attached loving others with loving God he really 'let us have it' Its easy to love God because God doesnt smell, steal, mock or anything else uncomfortable or different to ourselves. but others.. even the homless man who begs for change and then cusses wildly at you when you shrug apologetically at him.. thats the challenge.
This girl.. shes a challenge for me. I have insecurities just like everybody, though mine remain dormant and just under the surface most of the time. I battle with thoughts that she may have been better for Ben than I am.. shes more travelled (as is he) shes more academically intelligent.. (as is he majorly!) she likes to camp outdoors in the freezing cold and get wet... and I am much more of a home-body and like to stay dry and keep up with the news of my friends or the next top models rather than wall street..
This being said by all my instincts that nature installed in me begs me to detest this girl. but as a Christian I am called to love her. whew. thats a heavy hand to be dealt in the reality of things.
By the same token, she should by all means hate me. and want to push all thoughts of me and ben out of her mind and either become bitter about it all or engross herself in other things.. but she chooses to email me her insecurities and thoughts and hurts and grow in her faith by reaching out in love to someone she barely knows who is now engaged to her ex boyfriend. I tip my hat to her.

I have learned in the past 5 months who my real friends are. It has been a very hard reality that kindove crashed into my world and I wasnt prepared for at all.
I found out I was pregnant... (ok this is really one of those things in life that changes EVERYTHING, especially if you are single) and I had some of my BEST friends, who i have trusted and loved since childhood completely disappear from my life.. as much as i reached out and would admit to needing some creature comforts and some friendly compassion around, it fell on seemingly deaf ears. then I have some friends who I have kept in touch with over the years and always meant to form stronger attachments to but never got around to it.. and a few of them were suddenly such a huge part of my life everyday it shocked me! from emails to phone calls and coffee dates and little texts with a happy tone to make me feel like i wasnt alone on that day. They have made me so much more relaxed and happy through this process. These people are so self giving and love filled it has taught me a lesson i honestly didnt think I would learn in this time.
Whether you believe to love others for your own reasons or for a 'higher purpose' reaching out to someone when they are going through something extremely radical is never something that should be belittled or shrugged off. It is am amazing way to follow Jesus and his teachings and to show the world that someone passing on a hug can make a difference.

I am so blessed.

Whew

2009-03-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

I am now 8 months pregnant. It feels like it has been a year.
I had a bit of a meltdown the other night about wanting to be 'thin' (meaning just a single unit really...) and not be a big fat pregnant bride. I struggle with feeling like no man deserves to have a woman whose ankles are twice their normal size and who cant control the urge to pee on their wedding night.
I confessed these insecurities to Ben, and he understood and is very accepting of it all. Every now and then he will grab my tummy or back fat... and I'm sure hes thinking that he misses my sexy 20 year old body he once knew. But he definitely makes me feel like the sexiest girl on earth.. even if my mind gets to be too much for my emotions.

I feel at home in Kits finally!
This week is going to be very full of adventure! and next weekend I get to spend at Camp cleaning!!! woooot ;)

Unpacked boxes

2009-03-03T14:19:00.001-08:00

Well here I am! In my new city, with my new loved one.. and an ever expanding waistline.
I'm sitting in starbucks and they have been playing oldies the whole time I have been here. It's very relaxing.
Combining all of our stuff has been interesting for sure.. I have never lived with a boy (other than as a roomie, but not a bf) and I have taken on the role of house frou rather easily. I love being here.. I do miss home at times. But I think its going to be easier from here and not harder.

We need bookcases.. badly! so many books, soooo many movies.. and neither of us like to part with things. especially books and movies hahaha :)
Theres a little flower box on our balcony, and right now its full of pansys (that i weeded yesterday for they were suffocating) Im excited for the spring weather so I can put some other flowers in it as well and have an aray of colour and glee in a little box! and hopefully some tomato plants too! I think my balcony will be good for tomatos and herbs.. lots of sun!

As the days go on I get more excited about the idea of having a little one tag along with me.. It will be such an adventure in every day.

Moving Day!

2009-02-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

Wow! so the van is packed, my stuff is all crammed into little boxes and I have countless bags of clothing and shoe boxes.
I can not believe that time went by this fast.. I'm finding it really startling.
I know I will be safe, loved, content, and looked after where I am headed both emotionally and physically, but I'm scared. really very scared. It all feels like so much so fast and so sudden. I go back and forth with wondering if its all a dream or not.
Today I felt on the edge of an emotional outburst all day which was not the way I wanted to be feeling on my moving day.
Tonight sees me in a different city (as soon as i catch the ferry boat) in new surroundings and with new people and new places to explore. God is with me through this and I know when I feel homesick family is just a phone call away.

I imagine my posts are going to be so different after this point now..

1

2009-02-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

wow.. 1 day.. seriously.
Today I finally got ALL of my packing done! and just in time too..
Mom and I had our last night together (as in I'm moving away and having a little family of my own..) We went out for a loverly dinner at Earls and totally stuffed ourselves. I felt like a little piglet eating so much food and then desert.. ah well.
Then we came home and watched a couple of movies. Neither of us felt very full of energy or excitement but it was a nice relaxing evening spent stressless and free.
Now I have to mentally and emotionally prepare for the next couple of days! Im nervous and excited and nervous and excited... It is all happening so quickly and time just WHOOOSHES by without my permission..
Life is good though, and this is the whole point of living.

2

2009-02-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

Only 2 days now!
I cant believe how fast it has flown by.. and it makes me realize just how fast the next few years of my life are going to fly by. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Today Mom took some belly picture of my and we noticed how small I am for 30 weeks. I wouldnt mind at all if it stayed small! But I know it can't last.. sigh.

3

2009-02-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

3 Days left!
Tonight it snowed and looked amazing and fluffy and fluttery and wondrous. and I stuck out my tongue and tasted its pollutiony freshness!
Also tonight I went to a concert {Hawksley Workman} with an amazing friend of mine :)
It was extremely appropriate as I have been joking that tonight was my bachelorette party, and the warm-up music man was a Jewish fello who played wedding songs.. All in all, a fantastic evening!!

Today I also picked up the future dream table and loaded it into the moving van! I think it made it all a little more real.
Oh I am so excited to start life so crisp and freshly and get that new-life-smell all over my skin.

4

2009-02-24T18:02:00.000-08:00

4 days left!

feeling things coming together mentally now a little more I think.

I am getting excited about the concept of managing a household, going to walks with a baby and going to school.

I got the table of my future dreams today!Now I need chairs.

5

2009-02-23T16:11:00.000-08:00

5 Days now until my moving day to a new city!
new places
new smells
new people
a new chapter in my life.
i think my endeavor to write my book will start up again.

6

2009-02-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

6 Days!

6 Days until I move to a new city and start life freshly.

I'm excited.

I'm scared.

I'm anxious.

I'm impatient.

I'm loved.

I'm content.

The Wee One

2009-02-19T15:46:00.001-08:00

Today I woke up full of glee and energy!
So I put it to good use by munching on a carrot muffin and strolling through downtown Victoria popping in and out of antique shops and just generally touristing.. it was lovely.
Now I am back to packing all my possessions up in little boxes and trying to get rid of everything useless.

Today I also purchased 2 cloth diapers and a little blue hippo stufty!!

Engaged <3

2009-02-18T10:09:00.000-08:00

a slight touch
you search my face.
our noses touch softly
---in an eskimo kiss...

my hand is on your cheek
.. the other on your shoulder blade...
i watch as you stretch your fingers out over my stomach.
Your hand is the exact expanse of it.
your touch is warm.

you paint a picture of us together
when we are old
and still in love.
i wrap myself in it;
like a four year old and her blankie.
-------------------
your whole being trembles with want and hunger for me.
and you lift your head to praise God...
-----
--
---
you say you'll meet me at the alter
and become mine forever.
is forever enough?!

Happy Valentines Day

2009-02-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

Benjamin+J'aime=LOVE!!!

I too got into the Valentines day spirit this year by baking my beloved some cookies!